just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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