true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
