it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
