youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
