I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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