All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
