so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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