Michael Bay diarrhea
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's never too late to be topless.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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