I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
