I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
