Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
