i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
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