just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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