Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I will be naked everywhere
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
