I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
