I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
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Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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