and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
