My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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