you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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