i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
