i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
