I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
