Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
