Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
