her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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