You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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