Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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