Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
even my farts smell like vagina
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
