I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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