Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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