My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
my liver is dry heaving
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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