pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
