i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
