It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
