Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
