no, he came in my armpit
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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