How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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