my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
