Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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