just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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