I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Im part way to drunk.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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