So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
