I smell stomach acid.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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