I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
