Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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