I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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