Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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