i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
