Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
