yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
