we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
