Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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