If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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