everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
