I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
