U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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