I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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