You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
