he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
