Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
