so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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