Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
